This is going to be a quick post, just something that I've had on my spirit.
I’m a firm believer that life is all about signs and dear God did I get the biggest sign of my life the other night. Long story short there was a bad accident in front of my apartment complex, 2 vehicles badly damaged, I personally didn’t see who hit who, I just saw 1 car roll down into the ditch near 1 of the apartment buildings. The car was smoking real bad, nobody was moving in the vehicle, people standing around, somebody opens the door, there are people inside, obviously in shock. There was a girl who was injured more than likely from when the airbags deployed, I got her out the car, and stayed til help arrived. People have asked well what if the car exploded, caught on fire, etc etc, that was a risk I was willing to take @ that moment cause if she stayed in the car it could’ve been worse. It was a big eye opener and I feel like God put me right where I was for a reason. Ironically enough, I was going 2 my mailbox, something I never do unless I’m expecting something, but right when the cars impacted, I was going to my mailbox. Also, I work the late shift @ work, and I was off that night. I can’t help but wonder what would’ve happened if I was @ work and wasn’t there. This whole event has just make it more clear that life is very very short, time is precious, and the small day to day shit doesn’t matter. The shit that we worry and stress just about doesn’t matter. So, I’m committed to making some serious life changes. I’m done obsessing over money, I could die tomorrow and I can’t take that with me. Despite my mental illness struggles, I'm committing to cutting down my stress level because if it's for me, God will make it so that it reaches me. I’ve also created a bucket list of things I wanna accomplish, from small things like dying my hair to big things like conquering my fear of flying. This whole experience has taught me that all the shit I worry and stress over, especially the material stuff, I can’t take with me when I go, so I wanna focus on living my life to it’s fullest potential, experience new things, and create new memories. If I go tomorrow, I don’t want to regret a thing, I wanna be proud of the life that I lived. If I wanna take time off from work, I’m gonna do it. If I wanna go somewhere, I’m gonna go. If I wanna experience something, I’m gonna experience it. And most importantly, I want to live and not just exist. I’ve been just existing and wasting my life and I’m not gonna do that any longer.
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I'm frustrated today.
After a little trip to the ER, I found out that I have hyperthyroidism and not hypothyroidism as I originally thought. As if just dealing with mental illness isn't enough, I'm also dealing with random blotches on my skin, periods that are lasting 30+ days, minor hair loss, random bouts of insomnia, followed by extreme fatigue, gritty eyes, and heart palpitations. Also, unbeknownst to me, a symptom of hyperthyroidism is irritability, mood swings, feeling anxious, and feeling depressed. Things that I've been dealing with for years, so all this means is that my existing mental illness struggles are pushed to the extreme! I get so irritable sometimes to the point of where I just want to scream, throw things, curse people out that are annoying me, etc. The anxiety and depression are so bad now that I could be completely calm and relaxed for hours or days and then just out the blue, 1 thing happens, or 1 thought pops into my mind and it's over from there. For example, I've been on self imposed bed rest since I left the ER Friday night, I was nice and calm all weekend, I felt relaxed, I got a lot of rest, did the things that I wanted to do, ate what I wanted to eat, and then last night as I'm getting ready to go to bed, @ approximately 3:20am, it hit. I just had to let it all out and things didn't really calm down until an hour later...with the help of America's Funniest Home Videos to make me laugh and focus my mind on something else. I'm trying to get all of this under control, but it's frustrating when your insurance is...garbage. It covers...nothing and I'm still having to pay an arm and a leg upfront. I'm looking into my different insurance options, but of course with everything that's going on in Washington, that's scary and unpredictable, but I believe that switching it up is my best course of action. Insurance is a nightmare that I just want to wake up from! Important note: seeing specialists obviously aren't like seeing a "regular" doctor, it's expensive! For those who have the luxury of not knowing, being sick is very expensive, and I'm jealous that you don't have to go through these things! And it also doesn't help when you're in the ER and you have this doctor who's talking to you and begging you to go to these appointments as if you're just purposefully not trying to go. Like sir, do you think I just want to feel like shit everyday? I would gladly go to all these appointments tomorrow, if you were gonna pay for them, but if you're not tryna hand over some cash, don't judge and chastise me! I know that I'm gonna get everything straight cause that's what I do. I always figure things out, that's what I do. A piece of me is scared because something major is happening with my body and I can't get ahead of it the way I would like to. But I also accept that it's gonna be what it's gonna be, whatever's gonna happen is gonna happen because when all is said and done, the end result of all this isn't up to me, it's in God's hands. I'm just frustrated because I would like to fix this and be "normal," i.e. being able to get out of bed, being able to leave my house, being able to go to work and not feel like I'm gonna spazz out, etc. It's just going to take a bit of patience and research. As I'm getting older, I'm learning about the importance of self care. When I was younger, I say that as if I'm like 40 and not in my mid 20s, anyways, when I was younger, I was a yes woman. Friends wanted to go somewhere and I didn't really wanna go, okay sure. Family needed me to do something that I didn't wanna do, okay sure.
Hands down, that isn't me anymore. I'm quick with a "no" now. If I don't wanna go somewhere, if I don't wanna do something, if I don't wanna be around certain people, etc, I don't and I stay in my house where I can have peace and quiet. Today, was one of those days. Primarily because I had a minor anxiety attack last night and they're so mentally and physically draining. I took today as a self care day. Which entailed, me getting some much needed rest. I caught up a bit on my other blog, which was much needed cause that's been weighing heavily on me. I'm trying to change my eating habits to help with my thyroid and my overall health, but today I cheated on my "diet," and it was soooo damn good!!! I only talked to the people that I wanted to talk to and I appreciated the people the that checked on me. I caught up on my tv shows and the minute that I finish this post, I'll be cleaning up around my house finally! I believe that I'm feeling a touch better, I still have those feelings that led up to my anxiety attack, but I think after having time for myself, getting things done that I needed to get done, and just keeping my mind busy, helps to dim those feelings, but I will say when I do have these attacks stemming from the reason that it happened, it does motivate me to figure this thing out because feeling like this day in and day out is no joke. The last thing that I wanted to get off my mind was something that people have been saying to me lately. But 1st, a little background. I've always been the type of person who felt like she has to be the best in everything she does because she wanted to make people proud and doesn't want to disappoint people. Yes, from time to time I refer and talk about myself in the 3rd person, I don't know why, but don't judge me! Anywho! I've had people, such as my mother and my best friend tell me they're proud of me....cue the tears! My mom told me she was proud of me for slowly, but surely coming out of my comfort zone which is the biggest struggle of my life for obvious reasons! That meant everything in the world to me cause this might not be what my mother had hoped I would do with my life, but it showed me that she's being supportive of what I feel like I'm meant to do. My best friend yesterday, read the post that I put up while I was going through it, and she sent me this message and she told me she was proud of me for being open about my struggles and no longer being ashamed to admit that I have mental health issues. She gave me some inspiration that I needed to calm down, sniggle and giggle, and focus on what I'm trying to accomplish. Bottom line and point of it all, self care is SUPER important regardless of if you have mental illness struggles or if you're "normal" because you need that time to recenter yourself. And it's also important to to have people in your corner to cheer you on when things get rough to get you through! My inner peace is being disrupted and it's driving me literally crazy!
As I'm getting older, I'm becoming more in touch with what's going on around me, but mainly with what's going on in my head, and today is one of those days where I'm hyper aware of my feelings. Today is one of those days where I'm deep in the trenches of depression. I'm so deep that I don't have a desire to do anything, especially my blogs, and yall know how much my blogs mean to me. Yes, this 1 means a lot to me even though I don't have a chance to update it as much I would like, but today I can't get out of my own head enough to focus on what I need to get done. I'm looking around my house, which is a borderline mess, borderline cause it's been worse, but it's a mess none the less. Ever since I moved into my own place, I've become a stickler about mess and clutter. Normally, either Saturday or Sunday, I'll do a big scrub down, throw my smell goods up, put everything in it's place, so I can start the week fresh. Well...not today. The biggest indicator that something is going on with me today is that I have no desire to listen to music. Anybody and everybody who knows me, knows that music is my life! It's not uncommon to see me out and about with either my earbuds in or with my Beats on. Nothing brings me more joy or inner peace than throwing on some music and getting lost in whatever genre I'm feeling @ the moment. I throw my music on and it helps me stay on track with my blog. Today, I don't want any parts of that, I just want quiet, and I hate quiet cause it leaves me alone with my thoughts, and my thoughts can be a very dangerous place! I know what the issue is, but I just have no idea how I'm going to make it better and not put myself in another situation, like what I'm in now because obviously that's going to do me no good. I just feel stuck and I can't get myself unstuck. I know I'm not and I know regardless I'd find a way to make everything work, but I guess I feel stuck because things aren't happening as fast as I need them to for the sake of my mental health. My mental health is in literal jeopardy right now. The thought of walking into this place that's not good for my health I think the only thing that gives me some sort of comfort is knowing that I'm not allow in my feelings, which now that I really think about it, I don't know if that's really a good or bad thing. I've talked to friends and coworkers, who are either dealing with the same mental health struggles that I'm dealing with or they have the same stuck, unfilled, I'm wasting my life feeling that I have. It's not a good thing for people to feel that way, but it's a good thing that I have people I can talk to about it and it's nice because we can motivate one another to get where we wanna go and be. I'm @ this point in my life where I don't want a job, a friend, a man, a family member, a feeling, anything disrupting my peace. I'm on this journey towards trying to live my happiest life and I would say I'm about 75% there. I would also say I'm about 70% ready to take the ever fearful leap of faith. Hell, I almost did it last week! BONUS I'm gonna allow somebody in my family, I won't mention who, but I'm going to allow them to read this and I guess I just wanna be honest or open about some things. This person and I had a conversation yesterday about me being a closed off person and they're absolutely right. I hide everything, regardless of if it's serious or if it's something small. I keep things to myself out of fear of being a burden to other people, even those in my family because they have their own bs going on, even though I listen to any and everything that may be going on in their lives, but I digress. I think only 1 person knows how bad my mental health struggles are because I contacted them in the midst of a REALLY REALLY bad anxiety attack and they brushed me off like they couldn't be bothered. I don't trust many people with my mental health issues because that's the most personal thing to me, and it's common that many people don't undetstand what exactly mental illness, they don't know the signs of it, and/or they don't know how to help. With all this being said, it just takes 1 time for somebody to brush me off, not take what's going on seriously, or make the situation about them, and I close right back up. So, to this person I had the conversation with yesterday, it's not that I don't trust you with this knowledge, it's that sometimes you're not the most warm person, however to your credit, you're getting better as you get older, so kudos to you! Also, I understand that it's how you were raised and you are doing what you were taught, however sometimes I need I don't need a hard ass when I'm going through it, sometimes I just need somebody to listen, not interject, not raise their voice, etc. Also, I've never told you, but my mental illness struggles are so bad that there are days when I can't leave my house or I'll get in my car, get to my destination, and then I have to turn right back around. I make jokes about oh, I just don't like people, and that's why I stay in my house...that's only part of it. And it's not an excuse and it's not that I just don't want to be where I'm going, I just realize that it's no longer healthy for me. Lastly, I mostly "suffer" with my issues alone cause I don't wanna be judged, I don't wanna be talked down to, I don't even want somebody to fix it, I just want the people around me to supportive and love me through the really good times and the really really shitty times. I think that's all that you need to know for right now, I told you after you finished reading this to call me and I'm sure you'll have more question, and that's perfectly fine. Also, once again, I'm in no way bashing you, I'm just making everybody that reads this who's close to me aware of what I need and don't need when I'm going through it. Last thing I swear, secretly another part of this is because I would like to spend more time with you and in the space that I'm in, I don't have the opportunity to do that with you now that we're in a much better place. I've been wanting to do this post for awhile, but I haven't had a chance thanks to my other blog needing constant updates, but tonight I finally made time to get this done!
Lately, I've been feeling depressed, out of control, stuck, trapped, you name it, I've been feeling it. My anxiety has been on 1000 lately and it's becoming harder and harder to manage. However, I do think that I'm getting to the root cause of what's giving me all these uncomfortable and unpleasant feelings. I hate my job...who doesn't right? I hate my job purely based on the fact that I've figured out what I want to do with my life. I'm making such progress with my other blog, I finally am well enough to be able to truly focus on it, and I acknowledge that my other blog is my calling. It's the reason that I get out of bed everyday, it brings me joy, it challenges me, it's connected me with people, and I feel like I'm doing something meaningful. It's the most soul crushing thing to leave something that you're so passionate about to go to something that just sucks the joy out of your day. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to have a job, but I do feel like in my current situation, I'm not living my best life, and I also feel like I'm wasting precious time that I'm never going to get back being unhappy. My current "real" job makes me so anxious to the point where I feel like I'm sacrificing my health for the sake of having a job, and nobody should ever have to feel like that. I also recognize and acknowledge that I could find another job, but like somebody who I've been confiding in told me, I'm NEVER going to feel satisfied or fulfilled just doing a "normal" job. That's not who I am anymore because I've found my calling and I've found my passion. There's a part of me who just so desperately wants to take this giant leap of faith and focus on my passion full time, but that annoying, nagging, responsible other half of me knows that I have very real responsibilities that I have to take care of. I will say that over the past 2 weeks or so, I've been trying to take my frustrations and turn that into action. I've been going extra hard on my other blog, I've been coming up with other avenues to build up on, etc. The progress that I've been making over the past couple of weeks/days just motivates me to want to go harder! I'm back to being motivated in the way that I was when I 1st started my other blog and that makes me just want to jump for joy because I'm accomplishing things that I never thought I would be able to do. I know that I'm going to get to where I wanna be, I know that I'm gonna be happy...eventually, I know that I'm going to get to that fulfilling space that I crave so much, I know that this is all a part of God's plan, I know that he's placing these struggles and these obstacles in front of me to make me stronger and to push me further than I thought I could ever go. I know that God doesn't place more on your shoulders than what you can handle and I just keep repeating to myself everyday to just trust his timing. However, I can admit that I'm human and sometimes my emotions, fears, and anxiety get the best of me and I worry even though I know I shouldn't because he's going to take care of it, but sometimes the human in me peeks through. **Sorry to those who aren't religious or spiritual. It just moved through me and I needed to get it off my spirit!** So, I know that I'm not a regular on here the way I would like, but I'm going to start working on being more consistent with this blog, so on that note, can we talk about men and love for a second?
I'm in love with a man that I'm not currently dating, but @ the same time I'm "dating" somebody that I'm into, but not really into. I've known the guy that I'm in love with for close to a decade and I've been there with him through all of his life challenges including his current major life changes and growing pains. He's watched me grow and become who I am today and in some ways he's helped mold me into the person I am currently...to some that could either be a good or bad thing. We've been on and off the entire time that we've known eachother. The way that we met was unconventional to say the least, but that's a story for another day. Throughout the entire time that we've been involved, there would be times when I would run away and disappear on him and he would do the same, but 1 thing always remained the same, he would always track me down, and I would always do the same. When we would be on our breaks, of course I would be out there doing my thing, but I always knew that nobody would ever compare to him and I would never really truly be happy with the person that I would be with @ the time. Also, I should note that he's gorgeous! I could literally sit there and look @ him all day. There's nobody else on the planet that I want more than him. Fast forward to be past 6+ months and I'm now in love with a person that I don't even recognize anymore. This man used to be reliable, trustworthy, dependable, his word was his bond, and none of that is true any longer. In fact, he's the complete and total opposite, but the fact remains the same...I still love him. But enough about him, let's move on to this other guy that I'm "dating" @ the moment. I've known him for years as well, not as long as the guy that I'm in love with, but long enough. He's relatively attractive, he's sweet, a tad bit on the annoying side, but he's very clear on what he wants in life and has no problem making that known to anybody who'll listen. We want the same things, marriage, kids, etc. So, what's the problem right? Well, he's way more into me than I'll ever be into him, and I know people say you should be with somebody who loves you more than you love them, but I'm very sure about my feelings or lack there of for him. I don't see him as a boyfriend or potential husband, I see him as a friend that I can occasionally go out to dinner with. Also, I know that sex isn't everything in a relationship, but for me it is important....very important. With the guy that I'm currently "dating" there is 0 sexual attraction to him. In fact, the thought of having sex with him makes me a little nauseous and lucky me it's ALL that he talks about ALL THE TIME! Just typing this makes me gag and I highly doubt that the sexual attraction will ever be there. For awhile, I thought that there was something wrong with me because here I have this lovely guy who wants all the same things that I want, but I do not want him and I know that for a fact. So, I talked to a couple friends and coworkers of mine and there's nothing wrong with me, it's just that the heart wants what the heart wants, and my heart wants somebody else who's not good for me in this moment. I thought that I could force myself to be with him and I thought that I could force myself to like or fall in love with the guy I'm "dating," but I can't. If it 's not there, it'll never be there, and I absolutely positively refuse to settle and that's exactly what I would be doing if I stayed with the person I'm "dating." And I also won't allow the pressures of having to get married by a certain age or having to prove the statistic of black women never getting married wrong. I'm becoming very sure about things in my life and I'm very sure that nothing will ever come from this current guy, and I'm very sure that the love of my life is the man for me. I know that it may not happen today, it may not happen tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year, but I know it's going to happen. The same way I felt sure about starting my blogging career, moving out on my own, kicking some people out of my life, I'm sure about him. I can feel it. I'm not gonna sit around and wait forever and I'm gonna continue to do me in the meantime, but I know where I wanna be and I'm not ready to give up on the love of my life just yet. Important note:
Today, well yesterday, since it's now Saturday, was beyond rough for me. I had a minor anxiety attack. It subsided, watched some tv, took a shower with my stress relief body wash, then went to bed. Just a random thing that happened, didn't last long, worked through it, and I was fine. Hours later, I wake up out my sleep, my mind racing again, eyes swollen, I tossed and turned for a bit, then eventually fell back to sleep. Woke up to the sound of my alarm, willed myself to get out of bed, took my dog out, sat on the couch, got ready to watch my recorded morning news shows and then....BAM! That familiar and dreaded feeling hit me again out of nowhere. I laid down on my couch, attempted to take a nap cause sleep is supposed to make everything better right? Eventually got up, got ready for work, that feeling was stuck to me like glue. Then came the crying....ugh! Got to my building, walking up to the building. trying my hardest to hold back the tears. I get in the building and get to my desk, and here come the tears again. I send an email to my manager, who I've been updating about my medical condition, I attempt to get myself and start my shift. I hear my manager's voice, she comes by as she always does and greets us, she speaks to me, I slightly turn to look @ her cause I didn't want her to see how bad I really was, but she caught me. We go in the little conference room and I just fell to pieces...anxiety attack #2. I told her how exhausted I am because it feels like I'm never sleeping even though I'm getting suffient amounts of sleep, I told her my hormones are all out of wack, the depression is excruciating, the anxiety which thankfully hasn't been a problem in months is back, and back with a vengeance. I had to leave, like my manager said, I only have 1 life to live, and above all else, I have to take care of my health. I went to run errands to keep my mind busy, I reached out to 1 of my family members and told them that I needed support and didn't want to be alone. To nobody's surprise, this particular family member couldn't be bothered. Once again proving that family will always fuck you 1st. Luckily, my mother (who doesn't do well in a crisis) and my best friends came through to save the day. Going through the things that I now frequently go through has made me appreciate my friends for always being there, no matter what they're doing, but I also appreciate my mother more. I appreciated the constant text messages every couple of hours to see if I was ok and I appreciated our initial phone conversations where she knew I was upset and didn't get upset herself...like I said, my mom doesn't do well in a crisis. Although, going through and dealing with the constant anxiety is obnoxious and frustrating, I think now in the grand scheme of things, maybe I'm going through and dealing with all of this to teach me to be appreciative of the supportive people I have in my life and also maybe it's an attempt to weed out the people that really couldn't give a shit and are only all about themselves. For those that don't know or haven't read my other blog...link has been provided below...I have generalized anxiety disorder as well as social anxiety. As if both of those things aren't enough, within the last couple weeks, I also found out that I have hypothyroidism. Apparently it's very common among black women, blah, blah, blah.
I would say I'm relatively healthy, minus the anxiety issues, I'm a couple pounds over weight, but we're steadily working on losing those pesky 3 pounds, other than that, nothing too serious. So, imagine going from being relatively healthy to your whole body being out of whack and there's virtually nothing you can do about. IT'S SOOOOOOO FRUSTRATING and the side effects are the absolute worse! The depression...is debilitating, don't wanna talk to anybody, don't wanna get out of bed, just don't wanna do anything. The irritability...the smallest things get under my skin and when somebody has pissed me, I wanna rip their heads off, and curse them out! The increased fatigue...even after getting a reasonable amount of sleep, all I wanna do is take a nap! I'm tired all the time, I have little to no energy. All the more frustrating, I'm the type of person who keeps everything all bottled up inside until I erupt like a volcano. Dealing with this is no different. Worrying about what's going on with my body and my hormones, lead me to anxiety attacks, on top of worrying about everything in life in general. Sidenote: I'm having an anxiety attack right as I'm typing this. I've always had this mindset of keeping things to myself and not wanting to bother anybody else with how I feel because I feel like people have better things to do than to "pity" me. Although, I'll admit as I'm getting older, it's becoming more difficult to bottle things up, and more and more, there's nothing that I would love to do more than to call up my mom or go to her house, now that she and I have a better relationship, and just sit and talk and cry with her. Talking with and to my friends is great, but sometimes a person just wants to be a "kid" and just wants to be comforted by their parent and be told that everything's going to be ok. I think another thing that I've been dying to get off my chest is the fact that I have this other blog that does and is doing better than I could've ever expected, but since all this medical bullshit has come about, I don't have the energy to keep up with it how I used to. I used to obsess about my blog day in and day out, waking up out of my sleep just to update up it, working on it while I was @ my "normal" job. Now, I barely have the energy to do just basics with it, which leads to me feeling like a failure because I finally found the direction that I've been looking for in my life and now I literally do not have the energy for it. Some days are better than others, some days I'm filled with soooooo much energy, I could knock out 10 posts in an hour if necessary...now it takes me an hour just to finish 1 updated post because I'm either tired or I have hard time concentrating, which SURPRISE is yet another side effect of this hypothyroidism bullshit. I was dying to get this blog off the ground and I had other plans regarding what I wanted to talk about on here, but my anxiety and this medical crap have taken over my life, so I suppose this is what this blog will primarily be about, with other things mixed in when difference situations arise. I'm hoping that things will go back to "normal" with me soon, but if not maybe this is God's way of telling me that I needed to change directions with this blog and that I need to focus more on myself and my health, everything does happen for a reason right? I've been meaning to get this blog off the ground for a long time, but of course things always get in the way when you're trying to start something new. The intent behind this blog is for me to have a safe haven to talk about the things that I go through, whether it's my mental illness or this new medical bs I have going on now. Let's get start shall we....
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